Monday, December 26, 2011

Baby's First Christmas

This was our baby girl's first Christmas,  I spent the day being so happy and thankful that she is here with us, that she is so happy and sweet, that she is able to share this wonderful day with us.  Santa always goes a bit overboard with my son and now with baby as well.  We had a wonderful day, it was a little too quiet.  I don't know every year Christmas comes and goes and I always say it doesn't feel like Christmas, it just doesn't feel like it.  I thought that with everything my daughter had been through that this was the year, this is when I was going to feel "it".  Well Christmas came and went and I never felt "it", I am not even sure what "it" is anymore.
My husband says since I have had Leah, I have become a different person in a good way,  I have opened up more, made friends, learned to enjoy going out, started appreciating myself more, learned to let people in and to let people help me and to care about me, I guess I was always a pretty tough nut to crack, maybe I still am who knows.  Anyway  I will say this, for me to become very good friends with someone at 34 years old was a HUGE step for me.  I have been so closed off to people in the past 6 or 7 years that I swore I would never let anyone in, not give anyone the chance to hurt me.  So Leah has taught me to live, taught me to appreciate friendships, to enjoy people, to enjoy spending time with people.  She has taught me to love, to love my family, to love my friends, to love myself.  She has errupted a creativity in me, a yearning to learn, to do, to feel like I have never done before.
In the past 5 months I have grown as a person, I have become someone that I am starting to appreciate, I am starting to admire, I am starting to even like every now and then.
In the past I used to believe that people only hung out with me because they felt the had to or that they felt sorry for me, now I believe that I am just as good a person as they are and just as I value the time that I spend with them, they value the time they spend with me, I am worth spending time with.  I have become a person that wants to improve myself, I have become a person who wants to have fun and try new things.  My husband jokes and tells me he doesn't know who I am anymore, but I believe that he enjoys all the things I have found in myself, this new found confidence that I am worthy of love, worthy of friendship, worthy of good things in my life.
Is this what the feeling of Christmas is?  I am not really sure, but I am certain that it has to do with the love I feel for my husband and children, for the feeling of knowing myself and knowing I am worth all the love they have to give me in return.  Leah has definitely opened my eyes this Christmas, I am a wonderful person who deserves to be treated well, to experience all life has to offer and to have fun while I am doing it. And in the magic of Christmas for years to come I plan on experiencing life and having fun with my husband, my kids, my family and my friends.  So here's to 2011, you were a difficult year to say the least, but with you came lessons of life, love and friendship that I will cherish always.  I look forward to 2012 with a new hope and a new lease on life and all it will bring our way.  I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and held your loved ones a little tighter, and let your friends know how much they mean to you.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas Eve, I am so happy and so thankful to be sharing this wonderful holiday with my two beautiful children, my amazing husband and my parents.  As I have said before and will probably say thousands of times, I have so much to be thankful for, this year has been one of the worst and one of the best years of my life all wrapped up into one.  Having one of the most scariest births I can imagine, learning of my daughter's diagnosis, going through her surgery and watching her get through it all has been the experience of a lifetime.  She has amazed me and has continued to amaze me each and everyday.  I look so forward to making wonderful memories with my family, ones that my children will look back on each and every year.
I am so thankful for the wonderful friendships I have made this year,without them I do not know where I would be.  I am blessed to have such wonderful and caring people in my life. So on this Christmas Eve, hug your loved ones tight, tell them how much you love them and look to the bright future that is ahead.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Thankful for My Parents

I guess it has been a few days since I have blogged.  Sorry about that folks, I know you are just sitting on pins and needles waiting for the next installment of life according to me.  To be honest things have been just the way I like them, very quiet. 
I realized today how thankful I am for my parents, they have helped us so much in the past 4 months, if it wasn't for them I would have had to deal with everything in the hospital by myself, but because of them my husband was able stay in the hospital with me, they gave us that special time together with our daughter and I will never be able to repay them or thank them enough for that.  They have helped us in so many ways, I cannot thank them enough.
My dad is there for me so much, and I thank God for him each and every day, he has helped me so much this school year, I will never be able to repay him.
Sometimes you don't realize how much your parents truly love you, but it is during those times when they really step up to the plate and help you in ways you couldn't possibly imagine, that you realize how much you mean to them, how much your husband means to them and how much your children mean to them.
So I hope this Christmas you will show those that you love how much they mean to you, don't just tell someone you care, show them through your help, your actions.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Happy Birthday Jen

So my cousin Jen and I grew up together.  We are 11 months apart and did everything together as children, she was and still is the sister I never had and a true friend to me.  Funny thing we realized is that my son and her daughter are also 11 months apart, and the two of them are kindred spirits, from the moment they met they were best of friends.  It is so nice to see our families growing together and to share it all with each other.  So on today December 16, I wish my cousin Jen a most wonderful and happiest of birthdays.  You deserve the best, so I hope you enjoyed your birthday and here's to many many more.  With much love and admiration, your cousin and friend always.

HO HO HO


So it is that time of year that I love so much.  The lights, the decorations, the presents all wrapped, the cards, the music, I have so much in my life to be thankful for wonderful husband who loves me and takes care of me, two wonderful children, parents that would do anything for me, and family and friends who are always there for me and love me.  Really what more could a girl ask for?
 I think that this year it is safe to say that I am madly, deeply, hopelessly in love with Christmas.  The surprise, excitement and glee in my son's eyes make me so happy inside I could melt and those little bright baby eyes, staring at the Christmas lights and ornaments, and that little baby mouth smiling at me is enough to make me swoon.  They are my gift this Christmas, and I wish that gift for everyone, I wish everyone could have one day, just one where they can feel the love I feel for my family and friends.  I am so blessed that my baby girl is here with us today, and she is doing so well, and she will be celebrating her First Christmas. I am so happy to have all the worry, sadness and fright behind us, so glad that she will be sharing all the fun times with us, so glad she has a wonderful, fabulous, beautiful life ahead of her and I can't wait to share it all with her and my son.  This weekend we will partake in some of my most favorite activities, last minute Christmas Shopping, gingerbread house creating, crafting, just fun, and good times. Can't wait.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Best Christmas Gift Of All

My little girl amazes me each and every day.  Today we had to go to the hospital for an x-ray to find out if the chylothorax has emerged its ugly head.  There were about 25 people waiting there when we arrived and I thought "Oh no we are going to be here all day." but we no sooner gave our name to the lady at the desk and our name was called. The people must have been upset because the tech who came to get us said "she's a baby and can't be exposed to germs."  Thank you God for kind people, and I am sorry we aggrivated a few people but I was so happy that we were in and out.
We waited all day and 5 minutes ago got the phone call that the x-ray looks great and she has no restrictions.  The cardiologist likes to tallk to the baby on the phone it's very funny, I held the phone to her ear and she let out a laugh and a big smile, she loves her doctor.  He then said the words I have been longing to hear since the moment she was born, "It is the holidays and your baby is happy and healthy, enjoy her, enjoy your family and have a wonderful holiday." I could have kissed him.  I am so happy I might just burst, I honestly do not remember ever feeling this happy, or at least I have not felt happieness to this magnitude for a very long time.  This is the best Christmas gift that anyone can ever give me, I have my 2 children, they are happy and healthy and no matter how much I will worry about hospital bills and whether she is okay or not, I will enjoy my family this holiday because I am so blessed to have them all in my life. I am truly, deeply blessed.

Monday, December 12, 2011

DISNEY WORLD

So okay I will admit, I have a little bit of an obsession with Disneyworld.  It is the only place I ever want to go on vacation. I mean who wouldn't they have it all.  I have been over 20 times in my life, my husband has been there 3 times (we went on our honeymoon), and my son has been there twice.  So after having gone through all we have in the past 4 months, what do I want to do, well plan a trip to Disneyworld of course, that's where we go to celebrate, where we go to enjoy ourselves, where we can lose ourselves in the magic and not have to face reality for a couple of weeks.

Danny loves everything about Disney, he was hooked from the moment he entered the Magic Kingdom for the first time.  He loves as do I the magic the whole place gives you.  I cannot wait to share all the wonder and excitement of Disney with our little girl.  I hope she will have as much fun as we all do.
I enjoy every minute of it, I love planning every detail of our trip, from whether we will fly or drive, to the resort we will stay in, to all the breakfast, lunch or dinner reservations.  We also see the shows, firework displays, and parades.  We love all the rides from the Tea Cups to Space Mountain. I know I sound like a Disney Infomercial. But what can I say we are just crazy about the place, so off I go to plan our next magical vacation.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Elf on the Shelf

So our doorbell rang last night.  My son and I opened the door and we could hear jingle bells ringing in the distance.  My son gasped and said "Santa!" On the ground was a little elf and a storybook accompanying him.  My son grabbed the book ran to his room and said "come on mom let's read the book and see what Santa wants us to do with him."  We read the book and my son decided to name his elf Frisbee.
Frisbee caused a little bit of mischief last night and we are so excited to see what he is going to do next.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day or Is It?

"I'm having a horrible day."  We hear it all the time right?  It's raining and you forgot your umbrella, you missed your train, the alarm clock failed to wake you up after  pushing snooze for the 10th time, you got a flat tire, someone was rude to you, you spilled your cup of coffee on your white blouse, someone cut you off on the highway, you just feel plain old grouchy.  We've all been there, we've all said it, but are you really having a bad day or is it not as bad as you think it is?  It's all perspective I guess, what you think is an awful day might seem like a piece of cake compared to what I am dealing with on a particular day.  I can honestly say that I know what a Bad Day is, it is giving birth and them telling you your baby has down syndrome and several holes in her heart which can only be fixed with surgery.  A Bad Day is when your baby is too weak to eat from her failing heart.  A bad day is handing your baby over to men in scrubs, knowing they are about to cut into her chest, stop her heart from beating, allowing  a machine to live for her, yes indeed that would be a terrible day.  A horrible day is walking into a room where a baby lies before you, it is her name above her crib but you recognize nothing about her except the deep brown hair on her head, she is so swollen and orange from the iodine they spread all over her little body.  A horrible day is when my baby girl stopped breathing right before my eyes, and the doctors had to stick a tube down her throat to breath for her.  I am pretty sure that under the title of bad, horrible, terrible days these kind of days would be first on the list.
So when something goes wrong in your life that is really just an inconvienece that is really all it is.  It's really not terrible, maybe it is to you at the time but always know how lucky you are to have those little blips in life, because when you really truly think about it, that's all they really are.  I am guilty of complaining about the little nuisances in life, like 1:00 doctor's appointments that turn into 2:30, or the people behind the counter that completely ignore me like I am not even standing there, or people who cut me off on the highway, or not getting enought sleep.  But since my precious angel came into my life, I have realized she has had more to go through and is so entitled to complain and whine each and every day about what she has had to endure, but she doesn't she just smiles so bright she lights up a room, and it is that smile that reminds me of what a really bad day is and I thank her for making all of my days seem so much more brighter.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

So Little Yet So Strong

 My baby girl is 4 months old and has been through so much.  She is my hero and I am thankful to be her mommy each and every day.So my little girl is thriving, she is getting so big and is eating so much more.  She tries to roll over, she doesn't quite make it all the way over but she is getting there.  She tried cereal for the first time today and I think she really liked it of course more ended up on the bib than in her mouth but that's okay.  She had to get shots, I hate to see her in pain like that but I would rather her cry now than to get a terrible disease.  As I saw how big she got today at the pediatrician I thought back to when we were in the hospital and never thought we would get here.  Everyone kept telling us that we were going to look back on that experience and wonder how in the world we got through it. I am reminded of all the wonderful doctors and nurses that we encountered each and every day.
We owe these people so very much for allowing our baby to have a life, to have her first Christmas, to have so many more firsts. 

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

SHY GIRL

Someone told me I am too quiet and shy today, and that is why I don't get invited to things. Well the truth is I am painfully shy, I have been through a lot in my 34 years of life that have caused me to be this way.  I was teased as a child, was excluded from things as a child.  I built walls around my heart and my soul so that noone could ever hurt me.  I believe today I have not changed much, I am still very shy and often times people are unable to look past that, they see me as snobby.  Let's face it I am not Miss Popularity, I am not a Party Animal, I am not outgoing, but I do like to have fun.  I try believe me I do. It often takes a while for me to build trust for someone and to open up to them, because I have been hurt so many times or taken advantage of by people.
I often feel that due to my shy and kind nature I am often excluded from things. I realize I am a grown up and have to put myself out there but it is still a little daunting.  I have made attempts to improve my shyness, I have began taking exercise classes again, which took a whole lot for me to even get to the front door. I have made friends with someone who is my complete opposite.  I guess because she is my opposite that is a good thing, we balance each other out. I guess I feel uneasy when I am not included in events, parties are thrown and I am not invited. I often get invited to things after the fact because the person feels bad.People are constantly canceling plans they make with me or don't even show up when they are supposed to.  It makes me sad but it also makes me take a step back, distance myself, build up the walls again, it's a vicious cycle.  So is this shyness going to be a part of me forever?? I sure hope not, I think I have gotten a lot better, 5 years ago I would have never made friends with anyone because I would have been way too shy but now I have made a great friend who has also introduced me to some other great ladies.  I fear that it takes me a really long time to trust people and open up to people in general and I fear that most people don't have time for that or think that it is pretty strange.  Just trying pretty hard to change my ways and not be so shy.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

CHRISTMAS SURPRISES



So we are having serious Christmas memory making here.   The snowflakes are hung in my son's bedroom, he told me he wished it could snow in his bedroom so Mom made it happen while he was at school. When he got home and ran to his room, he said "Mom you are so awsome." Love it.
So today was no different, I had to come up with something clever to do for him while he was at school.  So I give you Magical, Glittery Reindeer food.  I love doing things that inspire magic and wonder and fun for my kids.  So check back to see what other crafty, christmasy stuff I come up with.

Monday, December 5, 2011

JUST KEEP SPINNING, JUST KEEP SPINNING


Okay so at 34 years of age I have decided that it is time to get my butt in shape.  I am all ready, I've got the pants, the tshirt, the sneakers, the music, the spinning bike and the gym membership.  I got this, I can do this, I can do anything, I watched my infant daughter go through heart surgery I can do ANYTHING.  Fast foward to my morning attempt at the spinning bike,  let me preface this by saying that 1 year ago I was able to get through a 1 hour spinning class. Now, well that is a whole other miserable story, I am ridiculously out of shape, I was barely able to do 10 minutes.  Uggggh I am so depressed.  I mean I know that this is the first step right?  I just have to do it.  So now I have a whole gym schedule, exercise at home plan and a menu.  So hopefully I can also use this blog not only to write about my wonderful family but to also hold myself accountable to my health plan, wish me luck.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Present for Christmas

So with the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season, the getting the perfect gift for everyone, it is easy to lose sight of who you are and how much you matter to other people.  What about you, what can you do for yourself and for others while your at it, this Christmas season.
Be present in your life, sounds easy right?  Actually not so much, between kids, and errands and chores and cleaning, and laundry, and the list goes on and on and on. By the end of the day when it is all said and done, who wants to think about buying gifts, wrapping presents, getting it all done in time. Okay so truth be told I love this, I love the hustle and bustle, the running out the last minute to get a few last things and stocking stuffers, or the ingredients for the bake from scratch cookies I just thought of on Christmas Eve at 7 pm.  I love it all the Christmas rush, but my wish is always to have this Norman Rockwell like Christmas, you know the kind I am thinking of , the decorations, the pies right out of Martha Stewarts Magazine, the logs on the fire, the warm apple cider, the scent of pine and cinnamon in the air and the Carpenters Christmas album playing in the backround. The living room bustling with family, telling stories of Christmases past.  But fast forward to reality, none of that ever happens no matter how hard I try.  First of all my family that is present on Christmas consists of my mom, dad, husband and 2 kids, so our gatherings are not very big.  Anyway back to the tinsel and the holiday guffaw.  I realize that it is too much to expect to have a Holiday that is like those you see in the movies, so instead I throw in the towel and try to have a Christmas my kids will remember, I try to create traditions that they will remember when they are 30 and want to do with their kids. So this holiday season, I will try to go that extra mile to do things that are fun and festive well because I love it. Tis the season to be merry.
So I am going off topic, back to the being present in your own life, well that is the million dollar question right? How do you do that? I am here doesn't that make me present? I am trying to be more present in my life this year,I am trying to acknowledge each moment, to appreciate all the things my son says that crack me up, to take in all the laughs and smiles my daughter gives, to smile and laugh at all my husband's corny jokes.  I guess I am trying to live in this moment instead of looking ahead to the next 100 moments. So I hope I leave you with sugar plums dancing in your head or just a thought or two of enjoying this very moment and how to be your own present at Christmas by being present.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Take A Little Time


Leah does this thing while she is eating, she just looks up at me with those big bright eyes and smiles with the bottle in her mouth.  She has been doing this for quite sometime now and then this morning she proceded to do the same thing only this time she was laughing out loud, it was the cutest, and most funny thing, EVER.So when I woke up this morning, we were running late, I still hadn't made Danny's lunch, I needed coffee, I needed to put the clothes in the dryer,I had to feed the baby, it was all just going wrong this morning.  For a moment I wanted to hop back in bed and pull the covers over my head, but I didn't, I pressed on.  By the time I had heated the bottle and did the 20 other things I had to do, I was feeling pretty cranky.  Then I sat down to feed her and she just laughed so hard, I started laughing with her.  It again reminded me how incredibly lucky I am to be here, to share these moments with her and to just smile.  So what that things aren't done, so what that lunch isn't made, there is always time to get it done, and thank God I have that time with her and my son. So thank you Leah for reminding Mommy this morning that life is good, and to take the time to laugh and smile at everything.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Where has the time gone?

We are soon approaching my baby girl's 4 month birthday.  I can't even believe that 4 months have passed by.  It also has been 1 month since her heart surgery.  I remember sitting at her bedside, thinking that there is no way I will make it through this, the hours seemed like days, the hours like weeks, never did I think that we would be here so quickly.  She is growing so much and that makes me so happy.  She smiles and laughs out loud, she is holding things.  She has some catching up to do but she will get there in her own time, when she is good and ready. Time; something I wished for so deeply, something I thought we would lose, something I thought we would never have enough of, has been wrapped up in a pretty pink bow and given to us in abundance, thanks to the brilliant doctors and nurses of Maria Ferari Hospital.  This whole experience has humbled me, has changed me, has exposed me to the kindness and the wonder that people in this world have to offer.  As a person who has been hurt a lot by people, mean people, I have put walls around myself.  Through all of this I have taken that wall down brick by brick as I have encountered the kindness and the friendliness of such amazing people that have come into my life.  I have found wonderful friendships I never knew I would have, or I never knew I could open myself up to.   I had spent my life being negative about everything, about people, situations, you name it.  Now I have had this awakening so to speak, I feel like because of what my tiny baby girl had to go through, I feel like I can accomplish anything.
When she gets older I want her to know she is my hero, she is the strongest, bravest, most wonderful little girl I know, and I hope someday to be as strong and brave as she is.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Love the People Who Love You, and Don't Hate the People Who Hate You

Love this quote, our cousin posted this on my facebook page this morning, because of some negative responses I had to my blog. I think it says it all, don't you.  Don't waste time worrying about what people have to say to you if they are going to be negative and mean.  You should only pay attention to the people who love you and matter to you in your life.  If you don't like me, I am sorry there is nothing I can do to change that. 
 I do feel terrible that someone is that unhappy in their lives that they have to be mean to others, I wish that everyone could feel the happieness I feel everyday with my children, I wish that for them, just to feel that joy for just a moment and then maybe you will think twice about being unkind to another person. This a short post because I don't want to spend anymore time giving it any more attention.  Have a beautiful day and a beautiful life....enjoy each and every moment, don't be so negative all the time, don't let the negativity get the best of you, be positive and enjoy each and every moment this life has to offer you.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Worth It????

"The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams," Oprah Winfrey  Adventure? Live the life of your dreams? I am not even sure how to do that, am I living the life of my dreams? I can honestly say that I thought I had a dream about how my life was supposed to turn out, where I was supposed to be, what I would be doing, and none of that happened, well maybe some of it happened but the rest, I am really not sure what happened.  I was supposed to continue teaching, utilizing the Master's Degree, I had worked so hard for. I was supposed to own my own home, I was supposed to have 3 children all close in age,  I was supposed to do a lot of things and haven't done them and I am not sure I ever will, most of it doesn't seem to be in the cards for me.  Things could be worse though right?
Since having my daughter and having her go through such trauma in her short life, it has helped me to realize that I need to try make my dreams come true, because life is so short and fragile. But on the other hand it seems to be so trivial to have dreams, to have things that I want for myself, it feels selfish, it feels inappropriate. I feel like everything I do should be for my children, my husband, my family and friends, certainly not for myself. 
My mom never does anything for herself, never has for as long as I can remember.  So I have grown up with this whole "your not worth it" mentality.  As my mother, I too feel like anything I do for myself is not worth any time or money it would cost. I don't know why I feel this way, I just do. I believe that most moms feel this way, I mean your child needing a new pair of shoes is a hell of a lot more important than you needing a haircut and dye job, right?  Maybe you are all nodding your heads in unison in agreement with me or you are all saying I am crazy.  The difference is that I have always felt this way even before I had kids, someone else was always more important. Before having kids, I taught 5th grade, I had a 70 minute commute, I went to grad school at night, sometimes taking 3 classes a semester, I would leave the house at 6 am and return home at 10pm oh and during the last year of my Grad Program did I mention I was 8 months pregnant with my son.  Even then I didn't do things for myself,  I accomplished all of that and still didn't think I was worth it.
Now the thought of going back to teaching does not excite me at all, I would much rather be here for my kids, because believe it or not I love being a stay at home mom, other people seem to find it necessary to assume otherwise.  Those of you that are stay at home moms know how it is, the constant questions, in my case it was "oh you were such a good teacher, when are you going back", or "do you think you'll ever go back?" or "don't you miss it?" I usually answer with a "Yes of course I will go back", or  "yes of course I miss it," but when I think about it, I am not sure I mean that, I am not sure if I ever want to go back.  I guess I just get tired of explaining myself and my decision to stay home and to take care of my kids, I don't question people who drop their kids off at daycare at 6:00 am and don't see them again until 7:00 pm, if that works for you and you are happy than to each their own.  I am not going to judge you so please do not judge me. Thanks.
So back to making my dreams happen, what do I do with this attitude and my attempts to change it, ya know I am still not quite sure.  I see all these people making "vision boards" where you are supposed to cut out pictures and words to describe and help you to visualize what it is you want to have happen in your life.  Maybe I will try that, crafty and serves a purpose, sounds like my kind of project.
Not really sure where I was going with this blog, maybe I am realizing that I am a person too, not just a mom and that it is important that I do things for myself once in a blue moon, even if I am not "working".

Monday, November 28, 2011

Be a Friendlier Friend

When you are a child you make friends at school and you are very fortunate as am I if you keep those same friends into adulthood.  When you are an adult, your kids choose your friends for you and again I was very lucky that my son made friends with a boy whose mom and I have become great friends. I usually make friends with people who are my complete opposite, I think they tend to bring out the "fun" in me.I am the quiet and shy type, always have been and always will be unless you really get to know me and what I am about, then I open up and can talk your ear off.  I am the person that people almost ALWAYS refer to as a bitch, because I am quiet.  I assure you I am not any such thing, actually I am the sweetest, nicest, best friend you will ever have if you just give me a chance and the time.  I know who I am and it always amazes me when people who don't know me refer to me as a snob or bitchy,and honestly I don't think I could be those things if I even tried. Well maybe if you treat my kids like crap or make rude comments about them, well then my Bitchy Attitude will emerge, most definitely. I am extremely creative and giving and like to make wonderful gifts for friends and family, so once you tell me you like something be sure you are going to get some sort of a gift in the very near future that is both crafty and thoughtful. I guess if someone asked me on a job interview, you know those ridiculous questions they like to ask you " Name some of your faults" I would have to answer that with a "Well Sir or Madame, I think too much." Okay so maybe I wouldn't say it like that but you get the idea.  I think about people, I think about what I can do to make their lives a little easier, I think about things I can do at birthdays and Christmas time to make them feel important. It's a vicious cycle this thinking too much, once I do something special then I start to feel bad, like I have now backed that person into a corner, now they must feel that they have to do something nice for me because of the something nice I did for them and that is not my intention at all.  I guess I blame my mother for this feeling I get, although she meant well and was only telling me what she was taught.  My whole life she always told me not to announce things to people, like birthdays, engagements, having baby's because then it looks like you are looking for a hand out, nothing a few years of therapy for me won't cure. So thinking is not always a good idea, I wish I could live in the moment, the here and now, the spur of the moment, do things because it feels right and stop thinking so damn much.
I live in a family where there are some serious meanies, they will say one thing to your face and then rip you apart behind your back, but that's a whole other blog topic I could go on about for hours, so I guess I am just used to having my guard up.Sometimes I think my passive behavior also allows people to take advantage of me, assuming I will always be there, but never put the effort in to be there for me.  But it definitely does beg the question, maybe I am guilty of this as well. Maybe I haven't been a very good friend to people either, maybe I have let life and all it's crap get in the way of keeping and growing my friendships, I am sure I am guilty of this as well. Having something traumatic happen in your life kind of puts things in perspective ya know? This year I want to make more of an effort to keep in touch with my friends, to make the effort to see them more.  I have a problem with calling people, I am getting better though I think, I always feel like I am bothering someone when I call them, like they have better things to do then to chat with me on the phone. I almost always feel like I am intruding on people, I have this idea engraved in my head, probably since I was a child that I should never be a burden to anyone, and I guess I take that message that I was taught at a very early age, extremely literally. I know I must stop feeling that way and I try believe me I do. So I will try to be a better friend this year and I hope everyone else will do the same.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Holiday Memories and Traditions


Traditions, I am all about them, especially at Christmas time.I love Christmas, the music, the egg nog, the presents, the decorations, the wrapping paper, the chill in the air, all of it, I love it all.  I am a crafter, so I like making the ornaments and the paper chains and all kinds of decorations.  I love a real tree, with green, red and white deocorations. I want to make traditions with my children, things that we will do every year, that they will get excited for as the season arrives each year.
The traditions I remember most as a child are decorating the tree with my dad and going black friday shopping in Manhattan. One year I remember going to Macy's on 34th street to see Santa and then going to see the Rockefellar Christmas tree, and all the windows on 5th avenue. We would eat lunch at this diner type place and shop all day. I loved those moments, spending time with my family.
After we got married and had children my husband and I started the tradition of going out to dinner on Christmas Eve, it is so much fun and Danny loves it, now we can't wait until we can have that tradition with both of our children.

On Christmas morning I like to make Breakfast, which usually consists of monkey bread.  It is so yummy and I try to make it every year.

Everyyear we treck up to what I like to refer to as God's Country to help my inlaws cut down their Christmas tree.  We take the long drive up the taconic usually the Saturday after Thanksgiving in search of the perfect, huggable tree. (my husband is in charge of the hug test and the cutting)  As you drive up to the the Christmas tree farm you can see trees and trees in rows and rows cascading down the hills as far as the eye can see.  It is quite a breathtaking sight.

Every year we make such wonderful memories, we take a picture of our family, we drink hot chocolate, we buy an ornament for the tree.  It is a day that we look so forward to each year and it is something we hope to continue to do with our children for years to come.


So I am all about making memories this year, memories I will cherish and my children will cherish for years to come.


It is the simple things we remember most in life, the walks in the park, the cutting of the christmas tree, the shopping, the lunch dates with family and friends.  I want to start living my life in search of these moments, I want to make these memorable moment in my life a reality.

So I will look foward to this Holiday Season with much joy in my heart, so thankful that my baby girl has been given a second chance at life and will be there to experience all of these wonderful moments and together we will make the most wonderful memories.


Monday, November 21, 2011

Be Happy

Trying to make the best of any situation is my new motto, look on the bright side,my new mantra. Easier said than done,trust me I know, but if I don't do this, all I will do instead is cry. It is rather easy to remain positive when you encircle yourself with people who exude blessedness,bliss,cheer, joy, jubilation, merriment, you know, happieness.  I guess now that I am trying to live by this golden rule I find myself noticing that there are certain people around me who seem to get joy not out of delight but out of misery. I find myself noticing that the more misery and despair a person seems to have the more these people seem to cling like moths to a flame.  They say misery loves company right?  Well this kind of misery effects me, it effects me down to my core.  When I am with someone who is so unhappy with their life, who looks for the bad and the dismay in everything, I feel like I become sucked into their black hole of misery, like I am drowning in a black lagoon filled with hardship, lonlieness and depression. I feel like I just have to get out, find a happy place, find some joy, find some brightness to save me from their grip of doom.
No matter how hard I try I cannot seem to make these kind of people happy, I know that it is not my job but I feel like if I sprinkle some happy dust, some laughter sprinkles all over them then they would have no choice but to feel glee.  But this almost NEVER works, they thrive on this melancholy and live for a feeling of sorrow and would have it no other way.  These are the people happy living in there own world of gloom.Then there are others who feel the need to bring you down into their depths of despair, spreading hatred, saying awful things about people to anyone willing to listen.  Sometimes people like this cannot survive without feeling like they have to badmouth others.  All of this is a shame, life is so short to have to live in a world where all one thrives on is hatred.
Loving people in your life and having moments with people shouldn't be so hard, it should come as easy as each breath we take. So as a mother I find myself looking for relationships with people that are easy to get along with, happy by nature, friendly and just want to have fun. I am glad that I have a husband that enjoys having fun and making memories with our kids.  I am lucky to have friends that make me laugh and make me smile.  I am fortunate to have a family that is there for me no matter what.  Fun and making wonderful memories are the things I have to focus on, the things I want in my life and I am hoping as a I continue to surround myself with wonderful people, then the unhappieness and bitterness will be a fading memory.
So if this bitterness lives within you, just remember that life is so short, fill your life with joy, wonder and amazement, instead of grief, sorrow and sadness. Don't get me wrong it's okay to have a day when you feel like crap and don't want to face the world, but it is the people that stay in that sadness that are missing out on the good things in life.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Bucket List


"Write it down. Written goals have a way of transforming wishes into wants; cant's into cans; dreams into plans; and plans into reality. Don't just think it - ink it!"- Author Unknown

So these are the things I hope to do in my lifetime and they are in no particular order.

Own my own home with a fabulous kitchen and craft room
Be a great friend
Be more outgoing
Find a wonderful place to live
Have a big birthday party for myself
Keep really good friends in my life
Color my hair red or blonde
Love myself more
Be confident
Have a fundraiser to raise $ for Down Syndrome
Start a foundation and donate baskets to  Maria Ferreri Children's Hospital.
Spend Christmas in NYC
Do something I said I would never ever do
Go to the Statue of Liberty
See the wild horses on a beach
Write a novel
Have the nerve to do karyoke
Visit a winery
Visit Yosemite National Park
Have a girls weekend getaway
Go to Vegas
Go snorkeling
Go scuba diving
Change someone's life
Create a family tree
Get a dog
Read 100 books
Watch 100 movies
Drive from NY to CA
Rent a beach house in Cape May for the whole summer
Spend a weekend in NYC
Witness a solar eclipse
Visit all 50 states
Discover what makes me truly happy
See the koala's in Australia
Surprise someone
See a sunset and sunrise
Plant a tree
Write a letter to my friends to let them know how much they mean to me
Get a complete makeover
Raise happy and healthy children
Run a 5k
Learn to ski
Go bowling
Learn to surf
Learn to play tennis
Learn sign language
Learn to play the guitar
Go rock climbing
Get healthy, lose weight.
Go on a cruise
Go to the Grand Canyon as an adult
Visit Italy
Visit England
Go to the Cherry Blossom Festival in Washington DC
Take up photography
Take up gourmet cooking
Learn to draw and paint
Learn to sew
Discover my life's purpose
Get a PHD
Make a difference in someone's life
Write and publish a children's book.
Sleep in Cinderella's Castle
Be a college professor
Have at least 1000 blog followers
Create a home with an inviting, joyous, comfortable, loving atmosphere
Go whale watching
Swim with dolphins
Live near the beach
Find inner peace
Learn to forgive
Learn Yoga
Learn to meditate
Go to lots of broadway plays
Start my own craft business, or children's birthday party business
Pay off all our debt
Go to Hawaii
That's about all I can think of, I hope I have inspired all of you to create your own lists.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Thankful

As a child that attended catholic school, I remember the activity so clearly, each year we would be given a cornucopia to color and decorate.  On the Horn of Plenty were lines and on those lines we were supposed to write all the things we were thankful for.  As a child I didn't even think about it and I probably wrote the same thing every year. "I am thankful for my family, the roof over my head, the food on my plate."  Don't get me wrong I am still thankful for those things but today as a mother I am thankful for so much more than that.

  • I am thankful for a wonderful husband who provides for us in so many ways.  We have had our ups and downs as all married people do, but we will always be there for each other no matter what comes our way. 
  • I am thankful for the most wonderful son a mother could ask for. He is full of love, light and laughter.  His sensitive nature is something I will always admire in him.
  • I am thankful for my daughter who has been through so much in her little life, she is so strong and brave, she is my hero.
  • I am thankful for my parents, who have been here for my family in more ways than I can count.  They have made so many things possible for me and I don't know what I would do without them.
  • I am thankful for my family members who kept in touch with me through the tough times and I always knew that they would be there if I needed them.
  • I am thankful for the Maria Farreri Children's Hospital and for the doctors and nurses there.  Without that beautiful place and all of those wonderful people, I don't know where we would be today.
  • I am thankful for wonderful friends who have been there for me in the past 3 months, and have changed my outlook on life and people.  They have taught me more things then they will ever know, and I love them for that.  I hope that someday I can be as good a friend to them as they have been to me.
I have always lived my life following the rules, never stepping out of line, always doing what I thought was right.  Although this is a wonderful way to live, it unfortunately caused me to not enjoy to moment, to not have fun, to not seek out things that I might enjoy.  The thing that I am most thankful for is that all that my little family has been through in the past 3 months has made me realize that it's okay to have fun, it's okay to lighten up a bit, it's okay to be silly and live in the moment.  I hope this has made you think about all the things you are thankful for in your life.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

A New Heart


When you are a kid you are afraid of things, things like the monster in the closet, riding roller coasters, loud noises, clowns, things that at the time seem like really scary stuff.  As an adult we also have fears of things like spiders, flying on planes, driving over bridges, heights, water.  As a mother I have realized that these fears are trivial to me now.  There is no such fear as knowing that your child has a life threatening illness, knowing there is a ticking time bomb inside your child's body just wating to unleash it's terror and fright.
My daughter, my 11 week old daughter had open heart surgery on October 26, 2011 a day that I will never forget as long as I live on this earth. We had to get her there by 6:00 am, a one hour drive to the hospital, I can still feel the way I felt in the passenger side of the car, this sick feeling knowing I had to turn my baby over to doctors, strangers really. They were going to cut her chest open.  I can't even put into words how this horrific moment felt. I stood there sobbing next to my husband as they wheeled her away and she kept looking back at us, as if to say "aren't you coming with me?"  It broke my heart.  The next 8 hours would be the longest period of time in my life.  Nothing I did helped pass the time quickly; magazines, word finds, writing. I felt like I was doing stupid meaningless things just to divert my  attention off of what was really happening, my baby was having surgery.
At around 4:30 that afternoon, out walked a man in scrubs. A very gentle, soft spoken surgeon; our eyes connected from across the room and I could tell by the look on his face that my baby was okay.  He started to tell us about the surgery, and what he did and the holes he had closed in her heart, and then he uttered the words I had been longing to hear all day,  "She doing fine, you can see her in a few minutes."  I wanted to jump up and throw my arms around this man that I barely knew and thank him for saving my baby's life.  I couldn't move, it was like time had stood still, I remember crying like I have never cried in my life, thanking the angels, God, the saints, the heavens, the earth, anyone and everything that was involved in getting my daughter through this battle.
When we walked in the room several minutes later, an image of what appeared to be my daughter laid in a plastic box before us.  There were wires, and tubes and tape and the stench of iodine in the air.  This can't be my little girl, we are in the wrong room I want to say out loud, then I hear the nurse say
"Leah, mommy and daddy are here to see you."
Oh my God, what did they do to my baby, she was swollen, and orange and I couldn't see an inch of her body, there were so many tubes and wires coming out of her. One of the doctors told me to put my finger in her hand, and what happened next I could have never imagined.  She was sleeping, it looked like she was in a coma but when I place my pointer finger in her hand she wrapped all of her tiny fingers around it and squeezed, she knew I was there and I knew from that moment on that she was going to be okay.
The next couple of days were rough.  The breathing tube came out, only to return, due to another scary moment in our lives.  I started feeding her pedialyte one morning and the nurse came in to give her some morphine to manage her pain.  What happened next I can only say was a nightmare.  My baby stopped breathing and turned purple before my eyes.  Doctors and nurses circled her frantically pumping her with air and fluids, I sat on the chair behind them sobbing and praying that my baby was going to be okay.  The breathing tube was back and had to stay for a bit longer. 
Each day we would reach new milestones, as each tube and wire was removed.  On the final day I had my little girl back, all the tubes, wires and IVs were gone and I got to dress her in her own pajamas. What a feeling, slipping her little hands through the sleeves of her own soft, cozy clothes.  This feeling to me meant that we were one step closer to getting her home and living our lives as a real family. 
On November 3, 2011, my girl was sent home with her new and improved heart, "she can do anything other kids can do" said the doctor.  "She can run, ride a bike, jump and play, go to amusent parks, you name it." 
During my daughter's life we are going to face obstacles I am sure, there will always be doctors and cardiologists, and EKG machines and Xrays but my daughter's surgeon gave her a whole new life, a whole new world to be a part of.  Today she is stronger, happier, more content because of him.  How do you say thank you for that, how do you repay someone for giving you the most precious gift in the world, you can't because nothing you can say or do will equal the magnitude of the effect this can have on someone's life, being and outlook on life.
Before this happened to us I didn't believe in miracles,  now I certainly do.  I believe miracles exist in all of us, from the wise and sharp precision to a surgeon's hand, to the kindness of the nurses who cared for my baby as if she were there own.  There are miracles around us everyday, we just have to have the faith and the heart to see them.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Facing Reality



I am a realistic poster child, I can face reality with the best of them,  I am practical, I am firm, I am certainly not a dreamer. Although while pregnant I did dream of what it would be like to have this perfect little baby girl, but would quickly snap myself out of the dream to face the reality of the possible truth.  My mother says I have a form of ESP, I always get this nagging feeling when something out of the ordinary is going to happen.   I get a "bad feeling," so to speak.  So I knew the moment I went into labor that this was not going to be what I expected, and it wasn't.  Always go with your gut feeling is what I always say.
Reality is rearing its ugly head again, pushing it's way into my happy place, the place I have tried to create when my little girl arrived home.  The reality is setting in because she will be having her surgery in just a few short days.  It is all too real.
Days, hours, minutes, seconds, it's all just time but it is all we really have, all this world really gives us without expecting anything in return.  It is our choice as beings to decide what to do with that time, whether to be happy and to have fun or to be miserable and stay motionless.  I can honestly confirm that before having my daughter I was a very closed off person, a person who expected the worst out of any situation, because I have been hurt by so many people in my life.  I didn't expect good in people and always looked for the negative.  My daughter has completely submerged me into a life filled with optimism, love and light.  She is only a few months old and has opened so many beautiful doors for me as her mother.
I am learning slowly that there are people who love me for me, who want to be there for me, who will go out of their way to help me, who will listen to me, who will be my shoulder to cry on, who will be my friend because I am worthy of that love and friendship.  I took me 34 years to learn and a very special little girl to teach me the way to give that love and friendship back and most importantly receive it.

Friday, October 14, 2011

A Hospital Test Run

So onWednesday we were rushed down to the hospital by the baby's cardiologist.  "I don't like how she is breathing and she has lost weight." he said as he picked up the phone to call the hospital and tell them we were on our way.  Oh God it is starting,  my mind was racing as the tears flowed from my eyes like fountains, she is starting to fail.  All I could think was I was not ready for this, not at all.  I can't do this, I cannot watch my baby suffer like this.
So I get her down to the hospital, they put her in the ER because there are no rooms available.  The agonizing 6 hours began, having to watch the nurses hold my baby down and put needles into her tiny little perfect veins, in her tiny helpless little hands.  I couldn't bear to look or to hear her cry,  I think I may have cried more than she did. Now I am reminded of the pain she endured by the tiny little bruises on her tiny little hands.

By 10 pm we were given a room and miraculously by the power of the formula gods or i'm not sure who, baby girl started eating like nobody's business.  She decided, "oh mom what were you all so worried about I'm hungry now", so after a day of several 2oz bottles they decided that she was eating well enough to go home, and that she would have the surgery in the next few weeks.
So I guess this little hospital visit was a preview, a test run of what is yet to come.  I just hope and pray to anyone who is listening.  Please, please, please let my baby girl get through all of this, because I cannot imagine a life without her in it.  She is my joy, my love, my laughter, my reason for breathing. please keep her safe and let her get through this and recover with ease.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Laughter is the Best Medicine



Laughter seems to be the best medicine for me right now.  While talking to a friend last night and my cousin earlier in the day. I realized I really needed to laugh, it felt good, it felt like all the pressure building up inside me was released in a single chuckle. Most people do not know what to say to me, most people feel sorry for me, but it is so nice to know that there are people out there who get me and what I am going through and can most certainly make me laugh until I cry. They say that laughter has social, mental and physical benefits, all of which I could certainly use right now.  We are born with laughter, my daughter has begun to smile within the first few weeks of life and will be able to laugh out loud in a few months.
Sometimes I have an inherited fear of doom in my life, an expectation that all things bad will come my way because I am being punished in some way.
In talking with that friend last night, I came to the realization that things are not so bad.  I need to create more opportunities in my life to laugh and to experience true happieness. It must start with removing all the negative vibes in my life, removing everyone and everything that causes me to feel that overwhelming sense of dismay.
I will instead try to smile more,  count my blessings and allow more laughter and fun people into my life, people who truly care about me and will go out of their way to make me smile.  So thank you to those people in my life that make me laugh and smile (you know who you are :))

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Birthdays

Talking about all this renewal yesterday, got me to thinking about birthdays.  I have loved celebrating my son's birthday each year and planning a wonderful birthday party for him.  Now that we have our little girl my mind is full of so many wonderful ideas to start celebrating her birthdays. This year will be the most special of all I think, when we make it through to August and being able to look behind us and say, "I can't believe we made it."  That is the day I long for.
I love birthdays and parties, I never really had birthday parties growing up and have always wanted one so I guess that's why I like to go all out when it is for my children.  I am super crafty, ask anyone. I like to try to make everything and I have so much fun doing it, everyone says I should start my own business, maybe I will someday.
This was D's first birthday. Yes I made everything and loved every minute of it.
ALL OF DANNY'S PARTYS SESAME STREET, PIRATES, SPONGEBOB,BATMAN















Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Fallin'

As the weather is getting cooler here in New York, I can't help but start to feel wonderful, Fall has always felt like my "New Year" my time for renewal, time to make changes, time to enjoy.  Maybe it is because I am a teacher and in Septmeber I would always begin a new year, a new class, new supplies, a fresh new start.

So as the weather starts to feel like fall I become totally submerged in it, I want to indulge in all things that speak fall to me. I love all things pumpkin, coffee, pancakes, muffins, pie, if it's made of pumpkin I will try it.

So as we enter fall my baby girl is about to have a renewal of her own so to speak.  She will receive her surgery sometime in October or November.  I am dreading it and looking to get it over with at the same time, sort of like pulling off a band-aid, you know it is going to hurt like hell but it has to be done.  During this time of  pumpkins and cool crisp breezes I have a heavy feeling in my heart, knowing that my baby will be going through so much.  But I will still try and make traditions for her and my son, although this year we couldn't go apple picking like we used to I know that next year we will be there and she will be a healthy and happy little girl and I can't wait for all our the adventures we are going to have.  But for now we can make our own fun at home with her and my son.


Thursday, September 29, 2011

LET GO OF MY LEGOS

I realized how much I love to write, how it is both theraputic and realaxing for me to just sit here and type away.  I have always loved to write. When I taught fifth grade it was my goal to turn them all into Edgar Allan Poe or Jane Eyre.  I hope I succeeded, maybe one day I will see them on some daytime talk show talking about their latest novel and how their fifth grade teacher gave them their love for writing. Hey, a girl can dream can't she?
The way I adore writing is the way my son adores playing. Today there is a day off from school and my mind is a flutter with what to do to entertain him, but I have realized on many occassions that he would rather amuse himself with a bucket of LEGOs and go to town, that boy loves his LEGOS.  And when I say entertain himself, I mean he can sit for hours, building and taking apart those plastic bricks, creating fictional stories around them and telling them aloud as he builds.  He has such an imagination, I envy him.


He has quite the personality as well, all the kids wave to him and say hello as he walks into school, it's like watching an episode of Cheers, when Norm enters the bar and everyone shouts "Norm." He is quite the character.  I have always said I need a baby girl because I was so bored with LEGOS and superheroes, but I honestly couldn't imagine my life without being ankle deep in those little plastic bricks that bring my son so much joy.  So on this rainy day I think there will be lots of LEGO building and mayhem going on and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Waiting Game



Going to the cardiologist with my now almost 7 week old daughter is becoming extrememly difficult for me as the time draws nearer to when she will need to have "Open Heart Surgery."  Just saying that out loud scares the crap out of me.  I say it out loud, I think about it and I stuff the thought down as far as it will go, where my mind cannot process it, where I can't start to ponder over all of the what if's.
I worry, I am a worrier, that is just what I do, I have been that way since the day I was born I think.  I just want the whole thing to be behind us, to where she will be healed and on her way to living a fabulous life.
Everyone keeps telling me that I need to be strong for her and believe me I am trying, any more and I'd be wonder woman. I just feel my heart breaking for her, for me, for my son, for my husband for all of us. I wish we didn't have to go through this and the waiting is the worst part, waiting to see how she is doing, waiting for the day they tell us to get to the hospital, waiting for her to show signs of needing to get this done ASAP. I just can't take the waiting.  And the doctors with their doctor words and cold glares, makes me quite uneasy.  They talk about this surgery like they are going in to change a tire, and I just want to shake someone and scream. "It's her heart, it's my baby's heart!"
Then they tell you all the things that could possibly go wrong, and that makes me feel so much better now, thanks a lot.
I just don't know how that day will get here, how will I hand my baby over to them, they won't hold her like I do and love her they way I do, they won't know what makes her stop crying or what makes her smile.  I don't know how I will wait, how will I wait and wait and wait to hear that she is okay, to hear her cry again, to hold her again.  I know I will have to hold it together because everyone will be expecting me to fall apart.
I just want to fast forward to the day that she has done so well and is sent home from the hospital.  Untill that day I just keep reminding myself to stay strong, she will be fine and she needs me.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I Am What I Am and That's All That I Am


“Without knowing what I am and why I am here, life is impossible.” Leo Tolstoy

So when I went for my 6 week check up after having the baby, the doctor told me to still try and find the time to do the things I like to do and to remember who I am and not to lose that.  Of course this got me thinking who am I? I mean really besides mommy who am I, it is so true that when you have kids somehow who you are and what you love to do gets lost along the way, so I thought I would sit down and think about this question and make a list as long as I could of all things describing me. 

I love planning birthday parties for kids (and if I do say so myself, I am super good at it- I love the details, and I make everything, well almost everything- so far I have done my son's birthdays- Sesame Street, Farmyard, Pirates, Batman and Spongebob)
I like to play board games.(Scrabble, Monopoly, Jenga, Trivia etc)
I was born and raised in Bronx, NY (Everyone says I do not sound like it anymore- guess I have lost the need to say I'm goin to visit my motha and my fatha)
My pointer finger on my right hand has no ligaments so I can't point it (I know very exciting tidbit of information I just thought you needed to know)
I can play the recorder (About all I remember it "When the Saints Go Marching in" 
I was shelterd as a child (I didn't date until I was 21 need I say more)
I love watching my son grow into this wonderful person (He is so clever, funny and imaginative, sometimes I wish I could be more like him)
I go out of my way to make holidays, occassions and events special for everyone (I love making things for people-crafty things)
I love reading to my son (He loves this book called Zoomer and another one called Chester, very funny stuff)
I love going to Hershey Park (A place where everything is about the chocolate)

I love going to Cape May (I never knew the place existed until I met my husband, I told you I was sheltered)
am extremely thoughtful (I love going out of my way to do things for people)
I love going to Disney World (I have probably been there 25 times)
I long to have my own home (This probably will not ever happen, not in the cards for me)
I would love to open my own business (Crafty type)

I want to take photography classes (working on either taking classes or teaching myself)
I am usually not good at keeping in touch with people (I suck at calling people, I am better at email)
I love Reality TV (Real Houswives, Biggest Loser, Dancing with the Stars,)
When I was pregnant I craved oranges, melon, burritos and egg salad

I love to snuggle with my little girl 
I wear a size 9 shoe 
I love the beach 
I am an over achiever 
I am a homebody

I am impatient with myself but patient with others 
I am good at whatever I put my mind to 
I love to watch TLC(What Not to Wear,Say Yes to the Dress, 19 Kids and Counting, Little People Big World, The Little Couple, just to name a few) & The Food Network (Diners, Drive Ins and Dives is my fave)
I love to cook (but I make a huge mess)
I love amusement parks (I just like the atmosphere, the food, the rides, you know all of it)
I love pizza (salad pizza is my new fave)
I saw New Kids on the Block in concert twice when I was 12 (yes I will admit that)
I have been to a Josh Groban Concert by myself (When we went to Hershey one year he was playing there and I bought myself a ticket)
I love Josh Groban (so want to meet him one day)
I have bad memories about things that were supposed to be great times in my life and were not

I had the best wedding I have ever been to (and I'm not just saying that)
I love Juji Fruits

My family says I am too sensitive (I am but I am okay with that)
My greatest accomplishment are my kids (They are the best thing I have ever done with my life)
I would love to live in Manhattan (I went to college there and oh how I miss it)
I have had 2 csections (all traumatic in there own way)
I have taught K, 2nd, 4th and 5th grade (5th was my favorite)
I bite my nails (not anymore I quit cold turkey)
I didn't start dating until I was 21 (met my husband when I was 21 too) 

I have taken Zumba classes and loved it (It is an awsome workout)
I am an only child (after seeing my mother's family drama- I am glad I am the only one)
I would love to live in the south (Maybe North Carolina) 
I attended Catholic School for 13 years 
I have taken Belly Dancing Classes and loved it 
I love COFFEE (the smell, the taste yummm)

I love to bake (cookies mostly)
I love to read self help books (lose weight, exercise, be happy, do it all)
I am left handed (it sucks living in a right handed world)
I like white gold and silver jewelry (just a preference)
I love to surf the internet (self diagnosis, research, gifts I would love to receive)
I love crafts (scrapbooking etc)
I hate being around rude and obnoxious people  
I was born 2 months early and the doctors told my parents I wouldn't make it through the night. (here I am 34 years later.
I have a scar on my right foot from an IV they put in my foot as an infant (sadly I will never be a foot model)
I love traveling (I want to go on a cruise, I want to see Italy, Ireland and England and all 50 states) 
I had braces for 4 years 
I was teased a lot as a child (and I wonder why I still have body image issues- thanks)
I love taking pictures 
I love to eat in new places

I unplug appliances before I leave the house 
I am shy but I can be loud 

I am a great wife 
I am a great mommy 
I would have loved to have had 3 or 4 kids (but that dream is shattered)
I am unhappy with my current body and weight 
I would love to live on the beach or on a farm (which ever comes first)
I get upset easily 
I want to write a children's book 
I am creative 
I must wash my hair every day 
I am not a morning person 
I didn't get my driver's license until I was 21 
Friday nights are my favorite part of the week 
I love men with British accents 
I have made my own bread 
Fall is my favorite season 
I am clumsy 
I have no sense of direction 
I worry ALOT

I earned my Masters Degree while I was 9 months pregnant with my son
I love a good bargain 
I love to shop 
I cry too easily 
I like being alone 
I hate being late 
I love to swim 
I would do anything for a friend 
I would do anything for my family 
I love being a stay at home mom

I HATE when people ask me if I am going back to teaching or when I am going back to work. (I'm not so DON'T ASK)
I am quiet and shy and often come across as bitchy but I am really not.
I wish I was more active.

Wow that was a lot and that was hard, I guess we have to know who we are in life, know what makes us tick, know who we are in order to know who we are going to become, there are so many other things I want to do in my life, there is no time like the present. Next list I work on will be a list of all the things I want to accomplish.



Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Ride Of Life

Life is a rollercoaster ride or so we are told.  Sometimes you want to ride the dips and hills with your hands in the air, other times you've got a white knuckled grip on the bar and you are holding on for dear life, and then there are those times when you just want to get off the ride, not wanting to endure the highs or lows that come with riding.
Life is a lot like this, especially when there are things getting thrown at you left and right.  Sometimes I feel like I can accomplish anything, conquer the world, I am super mom.  Other times I feel like I just want to curl into a ball and let it all just pass me by, like I cannot handle what the ride of life has to throw at me.
I feel like I have been having a few of those get off the ride days, surgeons, cardiologists, pediatricians, when will it ever end?  I know I should be thankful, I know I should be saying, "Thank God -her heart can be fixed."  But inside I want to scream,  "She is just a baby, damn it, why is she having to go through all of this crap?"  I feel heartbroken, I feel like I want to do all the things that new moms want to do, show off my baby, have a christening, go to mommy and me classes, take her out but I cannot do any of these things for fear of her getting sick.   I so yearn for a sense of normalcy, a sense that we are just like any other mother and daughter, but we are not and I am reminded of that by the doctors. 
Sometimes we all have those days where we feel sorry for ourselves and our circumstances, we just want to be average, normal.  But what is that really?  Normal?  Is it something to be happy about?  Maybe we can but I guess it's the excitement of the dips and hills in the ride of our life that keeps us coming back for more.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Loves of My Life



Having to bring my daughter back and forth from specialist to specialist and seeing all those children and their parents in the hospital when we met with the surgeon yesterday, got me to thinking. We all really love our kids no matter what.  Whatever our children are going through, one would hope that as a mother or a father that you would be there for your child and show them how much you love him or her. You would move mountains, walk on water all in the name of love for your child if you could. Right?  So then I got to thinking some more, (I am really good at thinking) how does this sweet baby girl and my wonderful son know that I love them, do they know? Do they  truly know how much I love them from the depth of my soul? So I thought I should write it down so that, one day they can read it and realize that I loved them from the moment they came into my life.


To My Sweet Baby Girl,
From the moment you entered my life I have loved you.  You are the sweetest most beautiful baby I have ever seen.  When I hold you it is as if your little body just melts into my arms. I will never forget the first time I looked into your eyes, you were not what I expected, you were so much more.  I knew from that moment on I would love you, I would protect you, I would give you a wonderful life, and show you all this beautiful life has to offer.  When they told me what you were going to have to endure at such a young age, my heart was broken, I don’t want you to have to go through any of this.

We have a lot of rough roads ahead of us but I will help you, I will always be there .  I wish I could take this pain from you, I wish it was my heart they had to cut into and not yours, I would take it from you if I could.  You will never be alone I, promise you , I will be there with you every step of the way and I will love you through it all.  You are always going to be my sweet little girl and I want you to know how much you are loved forever and always.

Love Always,

Mommy




To My Wonderful  Son,

You have always been my little guy, my pal from the moment you were born.  For 6 years it has just been you and me together exploring the world.  You have brought me so much joy in my life, so much fun, so much laughter, you are one funny kid.  You are so bright, so curious and you make me so proud each and every day.  You amaze me with the things you are able to do and accomplish.  You are so full of life and intelligence, so full of compassion and empathy, I am so proud to be your mom. You have always been so well behaved and people have always told me how blessed I am.  You are my dream come true, my first born child and now you are the best big brother a baby girl could ask for.  I admire your ability to have fun and to imagine anything your little mind can create, I often wish I could be more like you.   I wish I could take a look through your eyes for just one day, and see the world in its entire splendor.  You always have a way of lighting up a room when you enter it and making your presence known and I love you for that.  I look forward to seeing you after school and hearing about your day.  I will always be there for you, to love you, to guide you for all the days of my life. You are my sunshine and I will love you for always and a day, my sweet, loving boy.

Love  Always,

Mom

Tell your kids you love them, hold them close, make them feel special.  Life is so short, it is full of ups and downs, ins and outs, but take them by the hand and experience it all with them, enjoy your life with them.