Thursday, June 16, 2016

To the Parents of the Sweet Little Boy Attacked by the Alligator at Disney World

To the Parents of the Alligator Attack at the Grand Floridian,

We have never met but my heart is breaking for you.  I am the mom of 2 beautiful children, one who is special needs and underwent open heart surgery.  We are big Disney fans, even moved here to be near Disney from NY. My husband and I are parents just like you, this could have been us or any other family on vacation with their little ones. I can't imagine what you are feeling but as a mom I know you are probably blaming yourselves. You were on vacation in the most magical place on earth, you let your guard down as I have done and hundreds of thousands have done while you are on vacation.  I feel like so many people will judge you, hell I even judged you when I first heard about it.  My first thought was "where were his parents?"
The more I sat and thought about it and tried to put myself in your place, the more I realized that it could have been me, it could have been anyone.  I am so sorry that this horrible thing happened to your beautiful little boy, I am so sorry that your family is suffering.  I am so sorry that this happened in the most magical place on earth.  You need to be strong for each other and your other children.  Be strong and my thoughts and prayers are with you.  I am so sorry that this happened to your family.


Another Parent

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Being a Mom to a child with Down Syndrome

There are things you just don't talk about as a mother of a child with Down Syndrome.  There are things you just don't say out loud.  People think I am strong, people think I was chosen to be her mother, people think that I do a great job at being her mom.  But there is a truth that no-one knows, an underlying layer that is waiting to be exposed into the cool air.  But I can't say it, I can't show it, I can't be vulnerable, I won't be.  There are things that you just don't get, things that you just don't know.

Most days are good, most days are great but there are days when I cry, I cry so hard it hurts to breathe,  I cry until my eyes are red and swollen, I cry until there are no tears left to cry.

You wouldn't know that I worry all the time.  I don't sleep most nights, because I lie awake worrying. Worrying about what is going to happen to her when I am gone.  I worry about who she will become, will she have a job, will she meet a boy, will she fall in love, will she get married, will I ever have a conversation with her? These questions just race through my mind all night long.

You would never know that I continually doubt myself and everything I do. I should do this, I should have done that.  It's my fault she's not doing x, y or z.  If only I had done this. Maybe I should do this or try that.  It is a constant battle in my mind.

You would never understand that I just need friends.  Friends who can help me escape my world for just a bit, friends who can make me laugh and smile.  I need friends who understand, I need friends who will call me or text me because the likelihood of me calling or texting is very slim although I do try. My time is consumed by all this special needs. It makes me so happy when my friends accept my daughter and treat her like a little girl because that is what she is.

You would never understand that I need to control the environment we are in or going to.  Loud noises, a lot of people in a small space can and will scare my daughter.

You would never understand that I need my family, all of them, near and far.  Most of them unfortunately have turned their backs on me since having my daughter which is very sad and heartbreaking. I need family more than ever now.

You would never know how much little things mean to me, the fact that my child has said a 2 or 3 word sentence is like she climbed Mt.  Everest.

You will never know how much it hurts me when you ask if I will ever go back to work, or if I am going to "do something to make money"  or when people tell me what other people are doing for a living. I loved teaching, I miss teaching but this is my job, it will always be my job.

You may never understand that I am never going to ask for help, ever.  It isn't me to begin with but it certainly isn't who I am now.

You will never understand that I just want to feel normal, a normal mom, a normal family, I want to just live my life with my husband and wonderful kids and be happy.

Speaking of being happy, you will never understand the pure joy and happiness my little princess gives me everyday.  She has a genuine happy personality, she doesn't judge, she just loves unconditionally.  She can make you smile ear to ear and make you laugh until you cry on most days.  I am lucky to be a part of her life, lucky to be the one she calls mom.  Though my life isn't "normal" or perfect.  I love each moment, the good and the bad and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Bestest, Friendliest Friend

I can spread kindness, a smile, thoughtfulness, friendship like peanut butter on a cracker. But ya know what today I am all out of peanut butter, "Damn it!!"   I am a great friend, the bestest friend you will ever have in your entire life.   I am loyal, I am trustworthy, I am a great listener, I am thoughtful, I am all the things you dream of in a friend.   You know when you sit down and think to yourself, I wish I had a friend who thought of me on my birthday, on holidays, who would run over if I needed anything, be a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, someone to laugh with, hang out with, be goofy with, you name it.   Where is that kind of friend?  Well I am your girl!!! Only most people seem to overlook all of my friendliest friend qualities and not even give me a chance.

I should have told you,  that before I can be your BFF you have to earn my trust, sorry it's just the way I am, been hurt too many times by too many people. I at first will come across as shy, most people think that I am a bitch, but really that isn't the case, well sometimes maybe, but for good reason.   If you engage me and talk to me and if I don't feel like I am being judged, that's it you've cracked the code.   I will talk until your ear falls off, I will listen.

I only wish I could get passed the bitch part ya know?  I think that I suffer with wanting people to like me and accept me syndrome. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and accept them but never seem to get the same in return.  So back to my peanut butter analogy back there.  I am all out.  I am all out of being the friend everyone wants, the friend everyone deserves.  It seems like I only hear from certain friends when they want or need something.

With Facebook I am able to see everyone writing about their friends, their bff's, their bae's?????? What the hell is a bae, by the way???? I haven't a clue.   I have kept a friend I have had since kindergarten who now I only get to see once a year which is sad but I am thankful that I have her even if it is every 365 days.  I have a cousin who I consider my friend. I have met some great friends here in Florida, lifetime friends I believe. But because I have been hurt so many times by people I have a hard time really connecting with and trusting people, but I am working on it.

This friend stuff was hard when I was a kid but it is even harder now.  But I am happy to say that I have learned to let my guard down and I have made some of the best friends I have ever had, here in sunshiny Florida.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Dear Lady Who Fat Shamed Me

To the lady who fat shamed me on vacation with my husband and my children.  You are UGLY.  Now when I say UGLY, I don' t mean ugly like you would mean ugly. I mean UGLY on the inside.  You are a mean, horrible, ugly person on the inside, which I believe is much worse than being ugly on the outside. So you might want to go on a spiritual kind of diet, learn to be kind, learn to be happy with yourself, learn not to judge people. 

Now I am well aware that I have some weight to lose, believe me I got it, I do own a mirror.  But just like you I was on vacation with my husband and my kids minding my own business and there you were fit as a fiddle in your short dress and sandals.  If you didn't open your mouth I would have thought you were quite pretty, that your family looked so happy and nice. But nope you opened your trap and your ugly spilled out.  You looked right in my face and said "If I ever get cellulite like that, I will kill myself." "Some people should not wear shorts!" Wait, what????? Did you really just say what I think you said?

I felt like I was being stabbed, I felt like the little fat kid again being teased in Grammar School.  I am ashamed to say that I let your ugly words ruin my day.  We had plans to go in the pool at our hotel and that didn't happen because I let your words define me.  I let your words mean something to me, when really they should have meant nothing. When I should have known that what you think about me, has nothing to do with me but everything to do with you.  I am embarrassed that I let your words cause me to miss swimming in the pool with my son.  I am ashamed not of my cellulite but that I let someone's unkindness make me feel like less of a person, less of a mother, less of a wife.  I am sad that I missed making memories with my family because you are so unhappy in your own life that you have to make someone else feel bad about themselves,  to make yourself feel better.  You obviously are very high maintance with your designer sundress, designer shoes, and lets not forget the designer watch and purse. You obviously took way too long in front of the mirror.  

It was very hot out which is why I had shorts on and I don't often wear shorts because you see the flaws that you pointed out are exactly the flaws I see in myself, the very flaws that I am self conscious about.  So it is a rare occassion that I wear shorts. But I was having so much fun with my family, making a conscious effort to show up in pictures with my kids and not caring what anyone thought.   Then you showed up thinking I couldn't hear you because apparently if you are fat you are also deaf.

This is not the first time that I have dealt with people belittling me because of my weight, it happened all the time as a child by my own family members and friends.  So this is not my first rodeo as they say. I have dealt with people and their views of how I should look for a long time and I am tired of it. You know that saying, you know the one your mother should have taught you but didn't.  "If you don't have anything nice to say than don't say anything at all."

This happened this past summer and it has taken me this long to put it out there. It was hurtful and embarrassing.  But I learned that her opinion of me is of no value to me whatsoever.  I have so many things in my life to be happy about and thankful for.   I am working on my physical self and I hope to look as good in a dress one day as she did  but I know that my inner self, my kindness, my happieness, my joy is in tip top shape which is more than I can say for some people.

I wanted to make a video about it, but I can express my feelings better when I write. 

Check out my youtube channel

Friday, May 29, 2015


1. How it feels to be a mom
2. That everything will eventually be okay
3. People will not react to happy occasions in your life the way you expect them to
4. I will be happier now then I could have ever imagined