Friday, September 23, 2011

The Waiting Game

Going to the cardiologist with my now almost 7 week old daughter is becoming extrememly difficult for me as the time draws nearer to when she will need to have "Open Heart Surgery."  Just saying that out loud scares the crap out of me.  I say it out loud, I think about it and I stuff the thought down as far as it will go, where my mind cannot process it, where I can't start to ponder over all of the what if's.
I worry, I am a worrier, that is just what I do, I have been that way since the day I was born I think.  I just want the whole thing to be behind us, to where she will be healed and on her way to living a fabulous life.
Everyone keeps telling me that I need to be strong for her and believe me I am trying, any more and I'd be wonder woman. I just feel my heart breaking for her, for me, for my son, for my husband for all of us. I wish we didn't have to go through this and the waiting is the worst part, waiting to see how she is doing, waiting for the day they tell us to get to the hospital, waiting for her to show signs of needing to get this done ASAP. I just can't take the waiting.  And the doctors with their doctor words and cold glares, makes me quite uneasy.  They talk about this surgery like they are going in to change a tire, and I just want to shake someone and scream. "It's her heart, it's my baby's heart!"
Then they tell you all the things that could possibly go wrong, and that makes me feel so much better now, thanks a lot.
I just don't know how that day will get here, how will I hand my baby over to them, they won't hold her like I do and love her they way I do, they won't know what makes her stop crying or what makes her smile.  I don't know how I will wait, how will I wait and wait and wait to hear that she is okay, to hear her cry again, to hold her again.  I know I will have to hold it together because everyone will be expecting me to fall apart.
I just want to fast forward to the day that she has done so well and is sent home from the hospital.  Untill that day I just keep reminding myself to stay strong, she will be fine and she needs me.