Learning to take time for myself is not easy at all. I become paralyzed with the idea of "Me Time." I don't know what to do with myself, I feel like I am being frivelous. I feel like I do not deserve it, I feel like I should be doing something for my kids or with my kids. Our master bath has a huge tub and my hubby bought me some bath bombs for Mother's Day in hopes that I would take a bath and learn to relax. NOPE! Trust me I tried, I filled the tub put the flowery scented bath bomb in and sat in the tub. I tried to relax really I did, it lasted for about 5 minutes, and I hopped right out. It's official I do not know how to relax, I can't turn my brain off and do nothing, I just cannot do it. I start running things in my head of all the things that I have to do, and say what the hell am I doing in this tub when I have all that stuff to do.
So hubby has told me that I need to take a few hours for myself tomorrow, because I have been stressing out a lot lately. I have had a few episodes of hives which are always a fun time and I have been getting headaches. These are usually signs that I need a break. Having a special needs child can be very stressful, I just start thinking and the list plays in my head.
-Am I doing what I need to do for her?
-Am I doing enough for her?
-What else can I be doing for her?
-Am I pushing her too hard?
-Why isn't she walking?
-Why isn't she talking?
-When will she walk?
-When will she talk?
-Why does she have to start school at 3?
-Will I enroll her in school?
-Will I homeschool her?
-What if she can't go to her neighborhood school?
-Will she have friends?
-I don' t take her out enough
-I should get her into a class
-Am I not doing enough for my son?
The list just goes on and on and on over and over and over again in my head and I can't just sit and be quiet and let it settle in my brain and be at peace with the fact that I have done enough today. I always feel like there is more, there is always more that I could be doing for my kids. I can't keep doing this to myself though because the stress is not good. Why is it that anything I do is never good enough for me? I am always so hard on myself, I am in most cases my worst critic, my worst enemy. I am trying to fix this about me, I am trying but I am having a really hard time changing.
If you have a solution or advice I would love to hear it, let me know in the comments.