Monday, December 26, 2011

Baby's First Christmas

This was our baby girl's first Christmas,  I spent the day being so happy and thankful that she is here with us, that she is so happy and sweet, that she is able to share this wonderful day with us.  Santa always goes a bit overboard with my son and now with baby as well.  We had a wonderful day, it was a little too quiet.  I don't know every year Christmas comes and goes and I always say it doesn't feel like Christmas, it just doesn't feel like it.  I thought that with everything my daughter had been through that this was the year, this is when I was going to feel "it".  Well Christmas came and went and I never felt "it", I am not even sure what "it" is anymore.
My husband says since I have had Leah, I have become a different person in a good way,  I have opened up more, made friends, learned to enjoy going out, started appreciating myself more, learned to let people in and to let people help me and to care about me, I guess I was always a pretty tough nut to crack, maybe I still am who knows.  Anyway  I will say this, for me to become very good friends with someone at 34 years old was a HUGE step for me.  I have been so closed off to people in the past 6 or 7 years that I swore I would never let anyone in, not give anyone the chance to hurt me.  So Leah has taught me to live, taught me to appreciate friendships, to enjoy people, to enjoy spending time with people.  She has taught me to love, to love my family, to love my friends, to love myself.  She has errupted a creativity in me, a yearning to learn, to do, to feel like I have never done before.
In the past 5 months I have grown as a person, I have become someone that I am starting to appreciate, I am starting to admire, I am starting to even like every now and then.
In the past I used to believe that people only hung out with me because they felt the had to or that they felt sorry for me, now I believe that I am just as good a person as they are and just as I value the time that I spend with them, they value the time they spend with me, I am worth spending time with.  I have become a person that wants to improve myself, I have become a person who wants to have fun and try new things.  My husband jokes and tells me he doesn't know who I am anymore, but I believe that he enjoys all the things I have found in myself, this new found confidence that I am worthy of love, worthy of friendship, worthy of good things in my life.
Is this what the feeling of Christmas is?  I am not really sure, but I am certain that it has to do with the love I feel for my husband and children, for the feeling of knowing myself and knowing I am worth all the love they have to give me in return.  Leah has definitely opened my eyes this Christmas, I am a wonderful person who deserves to be treated well, to experience all life has to offer and to have fun while I am doing it. And in the magic of Christmas for years to come I plan on experiencing life and having fun with my husband, my kids, my family and my friends.  So here's to 2011, you were a difficult year to say the least, but with you came lessons of life, love and friendship that I will cherish always.  I look forward to 2012 with a new hope and a new lease on life and all it will bring our way.  I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and held your loved ones a little tighter, and let your friends know how much they mean to you.