When you are a child you make friends at school and you are very fortunate as am I if you keep those same friends into adulthood. When you are an adult, your kids choose your friends for you and again I was very lucky that my son made friends with a boy whose mom and I have become great friends. I usually make friends with people who are my complete opposite, I think they tend to bring out the "fun" in me.I am the quiet and shy type, always have been and always will be unless you really get to know me and what I am about, then I open up and can talk your ear off. I am the person that people almost ALWAYS refer to as a bitch, because I am quiet. I assure you I am not any such thing, actually I am the sweetest, nicest, best friend you will ever have if you just give me a chance and the time. I know who I am and it always amazes me when people who don't know me refer to me as a snob or bitchy,and honestly I don't think I could be those things if I even tried. Well maybe if you treat my kids like crap or make rude comments about them, well then my Bitchy Attitude will emerge, most definitely. I am extremely creative and giving and like to make wonderful gifts for friends and family, so once you tell me you like something be sure you are going to get some sort of a gift in the very near future that is both crafty and thoughtful. I guess if someone asked me on a job interview, you know those ridiculous questions they like to ask you " Name some of your faults" I would have to answer that with a "Well Sir or Madame, I think too much." Okay so maybe I wouldn't say it like that but you get the idea. I think about people, I think about what I can do to make their lives a little easier, I think about things I can do at birthdays and Christmas time to make them feel important. It's a vicious cycle this thinking too much, once I do something special then I start to feel bad, like I have now backed that person into a corner, now they must feel that they have to do something nice for me because of the something nice I did for them and that is not my intention at all. I guess I blame my mother for this feeling I get, although she meant well and was only telling me what she was taught. My whole life she always told me not to announce things to people, like birthdays, engagements, having baby's because then it looks like you are looking for a hand out, nothing a few years of therapy for me won't cure. So thinking is not always a good idea, I wish I could live in the moment, the here and now, the spur of the moment, do things because it feels right and stop thinking so damn much.
I live in a family where there are some serious meanies, they will say one thing to your face and then rip you apart behind your back, but that's a whole other blog topic I could go on about for hours, so I guess I am just used to having my guard up.Sometimes I think my passive behavior also allows people to take advantage of me, assuming I will always be there, but never put the effort in to be there for me. But it definitely does beg the question, maybe I am guilty of this as well. Maybe I haven't been a very good friend to people either, maybe I have let life and all it's crap get in the way of keeping and growing my friendships, I am sure I am guilty of this as well. Having something traumatic happen in your life kind of puts things in perspective ya know? This year I want to make more of an effort to keep in touch with my friends, to make the effort to see them more. I have a problem with calling people, I am getting better though I think, I always feel like I am bothering someone when I call them, like they have better things to do then to chat with me on the phone. I almost always feel like I am intruding on people, I have this idea engraved in my head, probably since I was a child that I should never be a burden to anyone, and I guess I take that message that I was taught at a very early age, extremely literally. I know I must stop feeling that way and I try believe me I do. So I will try to be a better friend this year and I hope everyone else will do the same.