Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Worth It????

"The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams," Oprah Winfrey  Adventure? Live the life of your dreams? I am not even sure how to do that, am I living the life of my dreams? I can honestly say that I thought I had a dream about how my life was supposed to turn out, where I was supposed to be, what I would be doing, and none of that happened, well maybe some of it happened but the rest, I am really not sure what happened.  I was supposed to continue teaching, utilizing the Master's Degree, I had worked so hard for. I was supposed to own my own home, I was supposed to have 3 children all close in age,  I was supposed to do a lot of things and haven't done them and I am not sure I ever will, most of it doesn't seem to be in the cards for me.  Things could be worse though right?
Since having my daughter and having her go through such trauma in her short life, it has helped me to realize that I need to try make my dreams come true, because life is so short and fragile. But on the other hand it seems to be so trivial to have dreams, to have things that I want for myself, it feels selfish, it feels inappropriate. I feel like everything I do should be for my children, my husband, my family and friends, certainly not for myself. 
My mom never does anything for herself, never has for as long as I can remember.  So I have grown up with this whole "your not worth it" mentality.  As my mother, I too feel like anything I do for myself is not worth any time or money it would cost. I don't know why I feel this way, I just do. I believe that most moms feel this way, I mean your child needing a new pair of shoes is a hell of a lot more important than you needing a haircut and dye job, right?  Maybe you are all nodding your heads in unison in agreement with me or you are all saying I am crazy.  The difference is that I have always felt this way even before I had kids, someone else was always more important. Before having kids, I taught 5th grade, I had a 70 minute commute, I went to grad school at night, sometimes taking 3 classes a semester, I would leave the house at 6 am and return home at 10pm oh and during the last year of my Grad Program did I mention I was 8 months pregnant with my son.  Even then I didn't do things for myself,  I accomplished all of that and still didn't think I was worth it.
Now the thought of going back to teaching does not excite me at all, I would much rather be here for my kids, because believe it or not I love being a stay at home mom, other people seem to find it necessary to assume otherwise.  Those of you that are stay at home moms know how it is, the constant questions, in my case it was "oh you were such a good teacher, when are you going back", or "do you think you'll ever go back?" or "don't you miss it?" I usually answer with a "Yes of course I will go back", or  "yes of course I miss it," but when I think about it, I am not sure I mean that, I am not sure if I ever want to go back.  I guess I just get tired of explaining myself and my decision to stay home and to take care of my kids, I don't question people who drop their kids off at daycare at 6:00 am and don't see them again until 7:00 pm, if that works for you and you are happy than to each their own.  I am not going to judge you so please do not judge me. Thanks.
So back to making my dreams happen, what do I do with this attitude and my attempts to change it, ya know I am still not quite sure.  I see all these people making "vision boards" where you are supposed to cut out pictures and words to describe and help you to visualize what it is you want to have happen in your life.  Maybe I will try that, crafty and serves a purpose, sounds like my kind of project.
Not really sure where I was going with this blog, maybe I am realizing that I am a person too, not just a mom and that it is important that I do things for myself once in a blue moon, even if I am not "working".