Baby's First Christmas

This was our baby girl's first Christmas,  I spent the day being so happy and thankful that she is here with us, that she is so happy and sweet, that she is able to share this wonderful day with us.  Santa always goes a bit overboard with my son and now with baby as well.  We had a wonderful day, it was a little too quiet.  I don't know every year Christmas comes and goes and I always say it doesn't feel like Christmas, it just doesn't feel like it.  I thought that with everything my daughter had been through that this was the year, this is when I was going to feel "it".  Well Christmas came and went and I never felt "it", I am not even sure what "it" is anymore.
My husband says since I have had Leah, I have become a different person in a good way,  I have opened up more, made friends, learned to enjoy going out, started appreciating myself more, learned to let people in and to let people help me and to care about me, I guess I was always a pretty tough nut to crack, maybe I still am who knows.  Anyway  I will say this, for me to become very good friends with someone at 34 years old was a HUGE step for me.  I have been so closed off to people in the past 6 or 7 years that I swore I would never let anyone in, not give anyone the chance to hurt me.  So Leah has taught me to live, taught me to appreciate friendships, to enjoy people, to enjoy spending time with people.  She has taught me to love, to love my family, to love my friends, to love myself.  She has errupted a creativity in me, a yearning to learn, to do, to feel like I have never done before.
In the past 5 months I have grown as a person, I have become someone that I am starting to appreciate, I am starting to admire, I am starting to even like every now and then.
In the past I used to believe that people only hung out with me because they felt the had to or that they felt sorry for me, now I believe that I am just as good a person as they are and just as I value the time that I spend with them, they value the time they spend with me, I am worth spending time with.  I have become a person that wants to improve myself, I have become a person who wants to have fun and try new things.  My husband jokes and tells me he doesn't know who I am anymore, but I believe that he enjoys all the things I have found in myself, this new found confidence that I am worthy of love, worthy of friendship, worthy of good things in my life.

Is this what the feeling of Christmas is?  I am not really sure, but I am certain that it has to do with the love I feel for my husband and children, for the feeling of knowing myself and knowing I am worth all the love they have to give me in return.  Leah has definitely opened my eyes this Christmas, I am a wonderful person who deserves to be treated well, to experience all life has to offer and to have fun while I am doing it. And in the magic of Christmas for years to come I plan on experiencing life and having fun with my husband, my kids, my family and my friends.  So here's to 2011, you were a difficult year to say the least, but with you came lessons of life, love and friendship that I will cherish always.  I look forward to 2012 with a new hope and a new lease on life and all it will bring our way.  I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and held your loved ones a little tighter, and let your friends know how much they mean to you.

Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas Eve, I am so happy and so thankful to be sharing this wonderful holiday with my two beautiful children, my amazing husband and my parents.  As I have said before and will probably say thousands of times, I have so much to be thankful for, this year has been one of the worst and one of the best years of my life all wrapped up into one.  Having one of the most scariest births I can imagine, learning of my daughter's diagnosis, going through her surgery and watching her get through it all has been the experience of a lifetime.  She has amazed me and has continued to amaze me each and everyday.  I look so forward to making wonderful memories with my family, ones that my children will look back on each and every year.

I am so thankful for the wonderful friendships I have made this year,without them I do not know where I would be.  I am blessed to have such wonderful and caring people in my life. So on this Christmas Eve, hug your loved ones tight, tell them how much you love them and look to the bright future that is ahead.

Thankful for My Parents

I guess it has been a few days since I have blogged.  Sorry about that folks, I know you are just sitting on pins and needles waiting for the next installment of life according to me.  To be honest things have been just the way I like them, very quiet. 
I realized today how thankful I am for my parents, they have helped us so much in the past 4 months, if it wasn't for them I would have had to deal with everything in the hospital by myself, but because of them my husband was able stay in the hospital with me, they gave us that special time together with our daughter and I will never be able to repay them or thank them enough for that.  They have helped us in so many ways, I cannot thank them enough.
My dad is there for me so much, and I thank God for him each and every day, he has helped me so much this school year, I will never be able to repay him.
Sometimes you don't realize how much your parents truly love you, but it is during those times when they really step up to the plate and help you in ways you couldn't possibly imagine, that you realize how much you mean to them, how much your husband means to them and how much your children mean to them.

So I hope this Christmas you will show those that you love how much they mean to you, don't just tell someone you care, show them through your help, your actions.

Happy Birthday Jen

So my cousin Jen and I grew up together.  We are 11 months apart and did everything together as children, she was and still is the sister I never had and a true friend to me.  Funny thing we realized is that my son and her daughter are also 11 months apart, and the two of them are kindred spirits, from the moment they met they were best of friends.  It is so nice to see our families growing together and to share it all with each other.  So on today December 16, I wish my cousin Jen a most wonderful and happiest of birthdays.  You deserve the best, so I hope you enjoyed your birthday and here's to many many more.  With much love and admiration, your cousin and friend always.

HO HO HO

So it is that time of year that I love so much.  The lights, the decorations, the presents all wrapped, the cards, the music, I have so much in my life to be thankful for wonderful husband who loves me and takes care of me, two wonderful children, parents that would do anything for me, and family and friends who are always there for me and love me.  Really what more could a girl ask for?
 I think that this year it is safe to say that I am madly, deeply, hopelessly in love with Christmas.  The surprise, excitement and glee in my son's eyes make me so happy inside I could melt and those little bright baby eyes, staring at the Christmas lights and ornaments, and that little baby mouth smiling at me is enough to make me swoon.  They are my gift this Christmas, and I wish that gift for everyone, I wish everyone could have one day, just one where they can feel the love I feel for my family and friends.  I am so blessed that my baby girl is here with us today, and she is doing so well, and she will be celebrating her First Christmas. I am so happy to have all the worry, sadness and fright behind us, so glad that she will be sharing all the fun times with us, so glad she has a wonderful, fabulous, beautiful life ahead of her and I can't wait to share it all with her and my son.  This weekend we will partake in some of my most favorite activities, last minute Christmas Shopping, gingerbread house creating, crafting, just fun, and good times. Can't wait.

The Best Christmas Gift Of All

My little girl amazes me each and every day.  Today we had to go to the hospital for an x-ray to find out if the chylothorax has emerged its ugly head.  There were about 25 people waiting there when we arrived and I thought "Oh no we are going to be here all day." but we no sooner gave our name to the lady at the desk and our name was called. The people must have been upset because the tech who came to get us said "she's a baby and can't be exposed to germs."  Thank you God for kind people, and I am sorry we aggrivated a few people but I was so happy that we were in and out.

We waited all day and 5 minutes ago got the phone call that the x-ray looks great and she has no restrictions.  The cardiologist likes to tallk to the baby on the phone it's very funny, I held the phone to her ear and she let out a laugh and a big smile, she loves her doctor.  He then said the words I have been longing to hear since the moment she was born, "It is the holidays and your baby is happy and healthy, enjoy her, enjoy your family and have a wonderful holiday." I could have kissed him.  I am so happy I might just burst, I honestly do not remember ever feeling this happy, or at least I have not felt happieness to this magnitude for a very long time.  This is the best Christmas gift that anyone can ever give me, I have my 2 children, they are happy and healthy and no matter how much I will worry about hospital bills and whether she is okay or not, I will enjoy my family this holiday because I am so blessed to have them all in my life. I am truly, deeply blessed.

DISNEY WORLD

So okay I will admit, I have a little bit of an obsession with Disneyworld.  It is the only place I ever want to go on vacation. I mean who wouldn't they have it all.  I have been over 20 times in my life, my husband has been there 3 times (we went on our honeymoon), and my son has been there twice.  So after having gone through all we have in the past 4 months, what do I want to do, well plan a trip to Disneyworld of course, that's where we go to celebrate, where we go to enjoy ourselves, where we can lose ourselves in the magic and not have to face reality for a couple of weeks.

Danny loves everything about Disney, he was hooked from the moment he entered the Magic Kingdom for the first time.  He loves as do I the magic the whole place gives you.  I cannot wait to share all the wonder and excitement of Disney with our little girl.  I hope she will have as much fun as we all do.
I enjoy every minute of it, I love planning every detail of our trip, from whether we will fly or drive, to the resort we will stay in, to all the breakfast, lunch or dinner reservations.  We also see the shows, firework displays, and parades.  We love all the rides from the Tea Cups to Space Mountain. I know I sound like a Disney Infomercial. But what can I say we are just crazy about the place, so off I go to plan our next magical vacation.

Elf on the Shelf

So our doorbell rang last night.  My son and I opened the door and we could hear jingle bells ringing in the distance.  My son gasped and said "Santa!" On the ground was a little elf and a storybook accompanying him.  My son grabbed the book ran to his room and said "come on mom let's read the book and see what Santa wants us to do with him."  We read the book and my son decided to name his elf Frisbee.
Frisbee caused a little bit of mischief last night and we are so excited to see what he is going to do next.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day or Is It?

"I'm having a horrible day."  We hear it all the time right?  It's raining and you forgot your umbrella, you missed your train, the alarm clock failed to wake you up after  pushing snooze for the 10th time, you got a flat tire, someone was rude to you, you spilled your cup of coffee on your white blouse, someone cut you off on the highway, you just feel plain old grouchy.  We've all been there, we've all said it, but are you really having a bad day or is it not as bad as you think it is?  It's all perspective I guess, what you think is an awful day might seem like a piece of cake compared to what I am dealing with on a particular day.  I can honestly say that I know what a Bad Day is, it is giving birth and them telling you your baby has down syndrome and several holes in her heart which can only be fixed with surgery.  A Bad Day is when your baby is too weak to eat from her failing heart.  A bad day is handing your baby over to men in scrubs, knowing they are about to cut into her chest, stop her heart from beating, allowing  a machine to live for her, yes indeed that would be a terrible day.  A horrible day is walking into a room where a baby lies before you, it is her name above her crib but you recognize nothing about her except the deep brown hair on her head, she is so swollen and orange from the iodine they spread all over her little body.  A horrible day is when my baby girl stopped breathing right before my eyes, and the doctors had to stick a tube down her throat to breath for her.  I am pretty sure that under the title of bad, horrible, terrible days these kind of days would be first on the list.
So when something goes wrong in your life that is really just an inconvienece that is really all it is.  It's really not terrible, maybe it is to you at the time but always know how lucky you are to have those little blips in life, because when you really truly think about it, that's all they really are.  I am guilty of complaining about the little nuisances in life, like 1:00 doctor's appointments that turn into 2:30, or the people behind the counter that completely ignore me like I am not even standing there, or people who cut me off on the highway, or not getting enought sleep.  But since my precious angel came into my life, I have realized she has had more to go through and is so entitled to complain and whine each and every day about what she has had to endure, but she doesn't she just smiles so bright she lights up a room, and it is that smile that reminds me of what a really bad day is and I thank her for making all of my days seem so much more brighter.

So Little Yet So Strong

 My baby girl is 4 months old and has been through so much.  She is my hero and I am thankful to be her mommy each and every day.So my little girl is thriving, she is getting so big and is eating so much more.  She tries to roll over, she doesn't quite make it all the way over but she is getting there.  She tried cereal for the first time today and I think she really liked it of course more ended up on the bib than in her mouth but that's okay.  She had to get shots, I hate to see her in pain like that but I would rather her cry now than to get a terrible disease.  As I saw how big she got today at the pediatrician I thought back to when we were in the hospital and never thought we would get here.  Everyone kept telling us that we were going to look back on that experience and wonder how in the world we got through it. I am reminded of all the wonderful doctors and nurses that we encountered each and every day.

We owe these people so very much for allowing our baby to have a life, to have her first Christmas, to have so many more firsts. 

SHY GIRL

Someone told me I am too quiet and shy today, and that is why I don't get invited to things. Well the truth is I am painfully shy, I have been through a lot in my 34 years of life that have caused me to be this way.  I was teased as a child, was excluded from things as a child.  I built walls around my heart and my soul so that noone could ever hurt me.  I believe today I have not changed much, I am still very shy and often times people are unable to look past that, they see me as snobby.  Let's face it I am not Miss Popularity, I am not a Party Animal, I am not outgoing, but I do like to have fun.  I try believe me I do. It often takes a while for me to build trust for someone and to open up to them, because I have been hurt so many times or taken advantage of by people.

I often feel that due to my shy and kind nature I am often excluded from things. I realize I am a grown up and have to put myself out there but it is still a little daunting.  I have made attempts to improve my shyness, I have began taking exercise classes again, which took a whole lot for me to even get to the front door. I have made friends with someone who is my complete opposite.  I guess because she is my opposite that is a good thing, we balance each other out. I guess I feel uneasy when I am not included in events, parties are thrown and I am not invited. I often get invited to things after the fact because the person feels bad.People are constantly canceling plans they make with me or don't even show up when they are supposed to.  It makes me sad but it also makes me take a step back, distance myself, build up the walls again, it's a vicious cycle.  So is this shyness going to be a part of me forever?? I sure hope not, I think I have gotten a lot better, 5 years ago I would have never made friends with anyone because I would have been way too shy but now I have made a great friend who has also introduced me to some other great ladies.  I fear that it takes me a really long time to trust people and open up to people in general and I fear that most people don't have time for that or think that it is pretty strange.  Just trying pretty hard to change my ways and not be so shy.

CHRISTMAS SURPRISES

So we are having serious Christmas memory making here.   The snowflakes are hung in my son's bedroom, he told me he wished it could snow in his bedroom so Mom made it happen while he was at school. When he got home and ran to his room, he said "Mom you are so awsome." Love it.

So today was no different, I had to come up with something clever to do for him while he was at school.  So I give you Magical, Glittery Reindeer food.  I love doing things that inspire magic and wonder and fun for my kids.  So check back to see what other crafty, christmasy stuff I come up with.

JUST KEEP SPINNING, JUST KEEP SPINNING

Okay so at 34 years of age I have decided that it is time to get my butt in shape.  I am all ready, I've got the pants, the tshirt, the sneakers, the music, the spinning bike and the gym membership.  I got this, I can do this, I can do anything, I watched my infant daughter go through heart surgery I can do ANYTHING.  Fast foward to my morning attempt at the spinning bike,  let me preface this by saying that 1 year ago I was able to get through a 1 hour spinning class. Now, well that is a whole other miserable story, I am ridiculously out of shape, I was barely able to do 10 minutes.  Uggggh I am so depressed.  I mean I know that this is the first step right?  I just have to do it.  So now I have a whole gym schedule, exercise at home plan and a menu.  So hopefully I can also use this blog not only to write about my wonderful family but to also hold myself accountable to my health plan, wish me luck.

Present for Christmas

So with the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season, the getting the perfect gift for everyone, it is easy to lose sight of who you are and how much you matter to other people.  What about you, what can you do for yourself and for others while your at it, this Christmas season.

Be present in your life, sounds easy right?  Actually not so much, between kids, and errands and chores and cleaning, and laundry, and the list goes on and on and on. By the end of the day when it is all said and done, who wants to think about buying gifts, wrapping presents, getting it all done in time. Okay so truth be told I love this, I love the hustle and bustle, the running out the last minute to get a few last things and stocking stuffers, or the ingredients for the bake from scratch cookies I just thought of on Christmas Eve at 7 pm.  I love it all the Christmas rush, but my wish is always to have this Norman Rockwell like Christmas, you know the kind I am thinking of , the decorations, the pies right out of Martha Stewarts Magazine, the logs on the fire, the warm apple cider, the scent of pine and cinnamon in the air and the Carpenters Christmas album playing in the backround. The living room bustling with family, telling stories of Christmases past.  But fast forward to reality, none of that ever happens no matter how hard I try.  First of all my family that is present on Christmas consists of my mom, dad, husband and 2 kids, so our gatherings are not very big.  Anyway back to the tinsel and the holiday guffaw.  I realize that it is too much to expect to have a Holiday that is like those you see in the movies, so instead I throw in the towel and try to have a Christmas my kids will remember, I try to create traditions that they will remember when they are 30 and want to do with their kids. So this holiday season, I will try to go that extra mile to do things that are fun and festive well because I love it. Tis the season to be merry.
So I am going off topic, back to the being present in your own life, well that is the million dollar question right? How do you do that? I am here doesn't that make me present? I am trying to be more present in my life this year,I am trying to acknowledge each moment, to appreciate all the things my son says that crack me up, to take in all the laughs and smiles my daughter gives, to smile and laugh at all my husband's corny jokes.  I guess I am trying to live in this moment instead of looking ahead to the next 100 moments. So I hope I leave you with sugar plums dancing in your head or just a thought or two of enjoying this very moment and how to be your own present at Christmas by being present.

Take A Little Time

Leah does this thing while she is eating, she just looks up at me with those big bright eyes and smiles with the bottle in her mouth.  She has been doing this for quite sometime now and then this morning she proceded to do the same thing only this time she was laughing out loud, it was the cutest, and most funny thing, EVER.So when I woke up this morning, we were running late, I still hadn't made Danny's lunch, I needed coffee, I needed to put the clothes in the dryer,I had to feed the baby, it was all just going wrong this morning.  For a moment I wanted to hop back in bed and pull the covers over my head, but I didn't, I pressed on.  By the time I had heated the bottle and did the 20 other things I had to do, I was feeling pretty cranky.  Then I sat down to feed her and she just laughed so hard, I started laughing with her.  It again reminded me how incredibly lucky I am to be here, to share these moments with her and to just smile.  So what that things aren't done, so what that lunch isn't made, there is always time to get it done, and thank God I have that time with her and my son. So thank you Leah for reminding Mommy this morning that life is good, and to take the time to laugh and smile at everything.

Where has the time gone?

We are soon approaching my baby girl's 4 month birthday.  I can't even believe that 4 months have passed by.  It also has been 1 month since her heart surgery.  I remember sitting at her bedside, thinking that there is no way I will make it through this, the hours seemed like days, the hours like weeks, never did I think that we would be here so quickly.  She is growing so much and that makes me so happy.  She smiles and laughs out loud, she is holding things.  She has some catching up to do but she will get there in her own time, when she is good and ready. Time; something I wished for so deeply, something I thought we would lose, something I thought we would never have enough of, has been wrapped up in a pretty pink bow and given to us in abundance, thanks to the brilliant doctors and nurses of Maria Ferari Hospital.  This whole experience has humbled me, has changed me, has exposed me to the kindness and the wonder that people in this world have to offer.  As a person who has been hurt a lot by people, mean people, I have put walls around myself.  Through all of this I have taken that wall down brick by brick as I have encountered the kindness and the friendliness of such amazing people that have come into my life.  I have found wonderful friendships I never knew I would have, or I never knew I could open myself up to.   I had spent my life being negative about everything, about people, situations, you name it.  Now I have had this awakening so to speak, I feel like because of what my tiny baby girl had to go through, I feel like I can accomplish anything.

When she gets older I want her to know she is my hero, she is the strongest, bravest, most wonderful little girl I know, and I hope someday to be as strong and brave as she is.