As my daughter continues to thrive and do things I never expected her to do, as she continues to amaze me each and every day it makes me think about my own self and expectations for myself. If she can get through all that she has and then some, surely I can accomplish my own goals that I have set for myself. I have already accomplished a lot in my life but now I seem to come up with too many reasons of why I can't do this or shouldn't do that. There is always money which is a legitimate reason of why I cannot accomplish things. I would love to start my own party business, where I would make all the decorations, invites, paper products, etc, but one needs money to start such a business, so my head fills with all of these wonderful ideas of what I would create, what I would sell, how successful I would be but then the negative thoughts flood my mind (the you would have to make a lot of things to take pictures of and the things require supplies, which requires money and so on and so forth,) it is a neverending snowball effect. I want to learn photography, to play the guitar. to do all sorts of things but my thoughts get in my way, paralyzing me from moving forward. To me all of these things are wants, not needs and are therefore frivolous.
I have fears, fears that linger in my heart and my soul, fear of things going wrong, fear of the rug being pulled out from under me as it has so many times before, the fear of the unknown. I hope and pray that these fears subside in me, but after being hurt and having horrible things happen, I fear that it will always be that way, the fear has made a permanent dwelling in my being, it lingers there and feeds off my feelings of dismay. I often wonder what it feels like to be carefree, to not have a worry in the world. I guess my first step is to stop being fearful, but how to do that is the question.