Monday, April 23, 2012

My First Born

My son was born in 2005, I had just finished teaching 5th grade that June, I had just earned my Master's degree and I was having my first baby. It was a wonderful pregnancy once I finished the first trimester, I have never felt better.  His name was supposed to be Joshua or Andrew, but as they wheeled me into the operating room, a song by Elton John was playing, and the rest as they say was history.
I was new at this motherhood thing and there were other people in my life that weren't making this new transition any easier.  I could handle a classrooom full of 20 fifth graders no problem, but this little tiny baby, nothing I did ever seemed to be right.  He cried a lot and nothing I did made it any better.
In those begining mommy years, it was hard for me, hard to give up the career that I had chosen, that I had loved so dear, that had become a part of me.  I had spent the last 4 years working and going to grad school, I left the house at 6 am and didn't get home until 10 pm sometimes.  I missed it, I missed the time I had to myself, somehow I was slowly losing myself and becoming something I didn't know how to be.
As he became a toddler, and became mobile he became a lot happier, we were on a journey together, trying to figure eachother out and I think we definitely succeeded.  Since the moment he was born he has been cute, clever, curious and my little buddy.  He taught me so much that first year of his life, he taught me how to be the best mom I can be, he taught me to be myself, he taught me to laugh and to have fun. 
I have grown into this mommy role quite nicely and I wouldn't trade it for the world, not one second, jobs, careers they come and go but my kids will only be this little just once, I had them and it is my job to raise them, so to those people that are constantly asking me when I am going back to work, or do I think I will ever go back to teaching, the answers are I am not sure and probably not,  I need to be with my kids.  To those moms that have to work and be a mommy, I admire you and honestly don't know how you do it.  I think that we all have guilt and people tend to make us feel guilty, stay at home moms feel guilty because they are not making money and working moms feel guilty that they are not there with their kids. You can't win.  Honestly I am fine about my decision to stay home and so is my husband and that is all that really matters. I love my children and I cherish all the time I am able to spend with them and I thank my husband for how hard he works to enable me to do so.