I watched a documentary about Down Syndrome this weekend, I probably should not have watched it, maybe I wasn't ready for it yet. Right now she is just a baby, and she needs me, but someday she is going to be an adult who needs me. The documentary was called Monica and David, it was about a man and woman in there early 30's who were getting married. The whole thing got me thinking, would my daughter ever fall in love, and if she did would she get married someday. It just made me very sad to come to the realization that she may never know what it is like to fall in love, she may never hold her own baby in her arms, she may never do the things that other people do everyday and take for granted.
Thinking about these things truly breaks my heart, what if she never experiences these things and truly wants them. It is times like these that I blame myself for her hardships for her future, I know they say I didn't do anything to cause the Down Syndrome, but what if I did, what if it is caused by something they just haven't discovered yet.
I know I am supposed to be positive, I am supposed to see the blessing in all of this, but it is hard sometimes. I know I gave her life, I know I gave her a chance and I will give her all the opportunities that I can. But what if there are things I can't give her, it scares me. Sometimes you just want to crawl up in a ball and pull the covers over your head, and other times you are so happy to have this person in your life. There is an upside and downside to all of it.